Today wasn’t a good day for me. I woke up too early, I was productive in other areas, which was good, but then I saw a post that my friend shared on LinkedIn. She mentioned how she was up to 600 subscribers for her newsletter. Now, I’m thrilled for her, absolutely proud of her. But her post did hold up a mirror for me, and made me wonder if I’m doing the right thing with my writing.
Am I too dependent on validation?
I don’t think it was just about her post. The algorithm wasn’t kind to one of my videos the other day on TikTok, and that was disappointing. I actually had to talk to myself today, to sit myself down and remind myself that the video in question, one of my writing videos, was not for public consumption. I mean, I do post them on social media, so that I can practice writing publicly. But on my very first writing video, I had included in the caption that the point of the series was to keep me accountable. But it’s nice when people like the videos and engage with them. So have I become too dependent on the validation from those videos?
Am I actually trying, or am I still “sort of” trying
I did wonder, after seeing my friend’s post, if I am actually trying to be a writer. Am I actually trying, or am I still “sort of” trying? I’m not entirely sure, if I were to be honest. I wish I could say that I’m actually trying, but there’s a nagging feeling that I’m still not there yet. I did wonder if that’s because I’m not writing where people are. I’m not on Medium or Substack or any of these other platforms where people are writing and posting publicly. Yes, I’m moving slowly, yes, I’m getting better, but I’m still scared.
Part of me wants to do a full-stop and only consume content, not create it.
That could very well be why part of me wants to stop. I’m not kidding. Part of me would like to stop creating content. Stop writing, making videos, and doing all these different projects and activities. Instead, I would work a steady job, and in my free time, I would consume content. I would play computer games, read books, watch movies, watch tv shows, read webtoons, play other kinds of games, etc. But while that might be easier in some ways, I don’t know if I would be happy. I want to be happy, not just content with where I am in life. Charlotte Lucas from Pride and Prejudice just came to mind. More, her conversation with Lizzie about how she’s quite content with her situation in life. It’s in the 1995 BBC mini-series with Colin Firth.
How does someone get out of this funk?
When someone’s in a funk like this, how do they get out if it? Is there some way besides stopping whatever is currently making you unhappy? Because I don’t know if I can do that. I’m not the best at returning to projects, goals, or ideas once I’ve set them down for a time. And while yes, I have taken many breaks when it comes to writing and always seem to find my way back to it, I don’t think I could keep flip-flopping like that. The fact that I’ve been able to write steadily for 90 days now, or almost, no, yes, almost 90 days, is something I’ve never been able to do before.
In the meantime, here’s what I’m going to do next
As much as I would like to rest, to recover and restore my passion for writing, I can’t do that. I would indulge far too long in the rest, and not want to return to work. One reason that I think I’m stuck, that I’ve hit a plateau, is that I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know how to get better. I’m pretty sure I’ve said this before, but I have a bunch of online courses I’ve signed up for that I haven’t done much work in. Some of them are probably out of date, information-wise, but others I do think have potential. So I will choose one of those, and I already have it in mind, to start of with. In addition, I will also work on learning more about Medium and Substack to shed my fears with those two platforms and start writing and publishing so that I can continue to grow as a writer.
Final Thoughts
When it comes to this website, I will still be here. I’m not going anywhere (heck, I paid for this site), but I think I forgot to give myself permission to practice and have fun. I’m doing more practice but not having as much fun. It’s time to bring the fun back into writing. As I write these final paragraphs, I find it funny that I should be able to write this post so easily. I wrote a similar draft, similar but different enough from this piece. I spent an hour writing that earlier draft piece, and was stuck through most of it.
But this piece, this post that you are reading now, I wrote most of the first draft in 20 minutes. In fact, I wrote more in those 20 minutes than in most of my recent hour-long sessions. I even still had 10 additional minutes, which, I can assure you, I used well. So the passion is still there; it’s just buried. I need to dig it out, and remove any obstacles that are in the way. It does show, though, that the daily practice sessions are working. Even when it doesn’t feel like they do, I wouldn’t have had today, if not for the previous week of struggling through writing. Nowhere to go but up, yet I’m not as close to the bottom as I had previously thought. And that is so very encouraging.
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